You’ll only understand these jokes if you’re Scottish

  • What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.
  • A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist. “Govan,” she replies.
  • How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
  • After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt. “And what’s the tartan?” asks his mate. “Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,” he replies.



  • Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
  • What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt Disney.
  • A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’ ‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter. ‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy. ‘Aye yer right!’ replies the bloke
  • Man walks into a baker and says: “Is that a donut or a meringue?” The baker says: “Naw, ye were right the first time.”
  • While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: ‘Do you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’ And he says: ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’



  • Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.
  • A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: “Can you come and get me? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring with rain.” “Okay,” says her dad. “Where are you ringing from?” The girl replies: “From the top of my head right down to my knickers”.
  • A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. “No”, argues the assistant, “look at that – it says Taiwan”.
  • A Glasgow man – steaming and skint – is walking down Argyle Street. He spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car! “What’s up Jimmy?” he asks. “Piston broke,” he replies. “Aye, same as masel.”
  • Dundee woman in hospital giving birth, “Well done, it’s’ a boy, what are you going to call him?” the midwife asks. The woman replies “Nathan” the midwife says “aw come on, you have to call him something.”
  • A man goes to see the doctor and says “doctor, every time I go for a pee it smells like coconut”. The doctor replies “oh aye! It’s Bounty”.



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