What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist. “Govan,” she replies.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt. “And what’s the tartan?” asks his mate. “Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,” he replies.
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt Disney.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’ ‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter. ‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy. ‘Aye yer right!’ replies the bloke
Man walks into a baker and says: “Is that a donut or a meringue?” The baker says: “Naw, ye were right the first time.”
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: ‘Do you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’ And he says: ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’
Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.
A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: “Can you come and get me? I’ve missed the last bus and it’s pouring with rain.” “Okay,” says her dad. “Where are you ringing from?” The girl replies: “From the top of my head right down to my knickers”.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. “No”, argues the assistant, “look at that – it says Taiwan”.
A Glasgow man – steaming and skint – is walking down Argyle Street. He spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car! “What’s up Jimmy?” he asks. “Piston broke,” he replies. “Aye, same as masel.”
Dundee woman in hospital giving birth, “Well done, it’s’ a boy, what are you going to call him?” the midwife asks. The woman replies “Nathan” the midwife says “aw come on, you have to call him something.”
A man goes to see the doctor and says “doctor, every time I go for a pee it smells like coconut”. The doctor replies “oh aye! It’s Bounty”.
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